Five Hundred Eyes

How to buy a copy of DWM

Method One

  1. Uniform - wide brimmed hat
    dark glasses
    dirty raincoat with wide lapels (turned up)
  2. Lurk suspiciously outside WH Smiths, looking carefully around in case someone you know sees you
  3. Keep your head down, take a deep breath, and enter the shop
  4. Don't look up
  5. Make for the kiddies' comics section
  6. Crouch down and locate copy of DWM (on knee level, between "My Little Pony Monthly" and "Buttons")
  7. Pick up copy of DWM. There are two ways of holding the magazine:
    (i) close to the chest, obscured by hands
    (ii) rolled up so that logo isn't visible
  8. Still keeping your head down, go to the checkout desk and pay. Look down at shoes and turn vivid shade of pink as girl on checkout looks questioningly from the DWM to you and back again
  9. Mumble "could I have it in a bag, please?"
  10. Make your escape
  11. Remember - do not open the bag until you are in the safety of your own home

Method Two

  1. Wait outside local branch of WH Smith (see Method 1, Step 2, above)
  2. Accost passing infant
    (NB: It is vitally important that you are not wearing the dirty mac at this point. At best you may get funny looks and a frightened child. At worst you may get five years at Her Majesty's pleasure.)
  3. Give him/her/it £1 coin and instructions to buy DWM for you
  4. Wait for brat to return, mission accomplished

(NB: This method involves some risk, in addition to that detailed above. The kiddling may scarper with the cash and never be seen again, or your copy of DWM may be covered with sticky fingerprints. But most crucially, if the little dear forgets the brown paper bag, you may be seen accepting a DWM in the street in broad daylight. Political careers have been ruined by less.)

Method Three

Subscribe (if you can stand the humiliating sniggers from your postman)

Method Four

Forget it.

But above all - be thankful it's not 'Starburst'. That's usually kept on the top shelf by the porn mags, or at least it is in my local Smiths. Now that is embarrassing! I mean, you go in to innocently buy the latest issue of 'Penthouse' and someone might think you're actually buying 'Starburst' ...

Issue three contents
Five Hundred Eyes index