Write your own Terrance Dicks novelisation

Remember all those classic Target books from the late seventies? Ever wonder how Uncle Terrance managed to keep on churning them out, one a month, and still have time to script-edit the Sunday Classics? Contrary to popular belief, our Tel didn't use a computer to compile all those long, long chapters and dense, type-filled pages. No, he did it all by hand, with the aid of a number of tables and a pair of dice. Now, for the first time, Five Hundred Eyes is proud to present an extract from one of those tables, used by the great man himself for the introductory chapter to all his famed "late Tom Baker series". All you need is a die and you too can write like the Master - simply choose one phrase from each line, using the die to select each classic gem of wisdom.

1	2	3	4	5	6
Through the vortex, that mysterious place where time and space are one, sped a police box that was not a police box at all	A police box which was not a police box at all sped through the space-time vortex	Somewhere in the space-time continuum there was a police box which was not a police box at all	Through the swirling chaos of the space / time vortex sped the incongruous shape of a police box that was not a police box at all	Another craft was spinning through the Space Time vortext. From the outside it resembled an old police	The police box, which was not a police box at all, sped through that mysterious void where time and space are one
Inside the impossibly large control room	Inside was a large ultra-modern control room. By a many-sided central console	Inside the control room, which was dominated by a many-sided central console	Inside its impossibly large control room	Inside it was an impossibly large control room with a many-sided central console	Inside the police box was an ultra-modern control room where
a tall curly-haired man in a broad brimmed hat and long trailing scarf	a tall man in a loose, vaguely Bohemian jacket and long scarf	a tall man with a flopped hat jammed on top of a mop of curly brown hair	a tall man in comfortable Bohemian clothes and an impossibly long scarf	a tall man in a battered broad brimmed hat and an incredibly long scarf	a very tall man with a tangle of curly hair, wearing a loose-fitting, vaguely Bohemian coat
The man was that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.	The man was that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.	The man was that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.	The man was that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.	The man was that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.	The man was that mysterious traveller in time and space known as the Doctor.

And there you have it - simplicity itself, Just repeat for another 126 pages (or 106 if the plot isn't up to it - don't forget there's always big print!) and Voila! another instant bestseller. To adapt for other Doctors, just replace phrase three with "young-old face", "pleasant open face" or any other well-known cliche.

General points to remember

Always begin the first chapter with a one-sentence paragraph, the shorter the better. For example : "The planet was alive"; "The spaceship was old"; or "People disappear." If you can make all the paragraphs one sentence, so much the better.
Never use words of more than three syllables, unless the word is "dimensionally-transcendental".
Chapters should have nouns for titles: eg. "The Nightmare"; "The Outcast"; or "The Escape". "The Trap" and "The Ultimate Battle" or "The Final Battle" are always useful.

Don't forget that the Tardis always lands with a "strange wheezing-groaning sound" (how could you?), that the Doctor's assistants are always "small and pretty" and never to use ten words where one will be much less descriptive. Above all, stop after 126 pages or else (dread of dreads) Target might have to use small print! Happy writing!