Five Hundred Eyes

The DIY Dr Who fan construction kit

Grab yourself a die, roll it several times, and save yourself the embarrassment of going to a convention. In the safety of your own home YOU can experience the true horror and mind-numbing boredom of meeting hundreds of Dr Who fans just like you!

Your fan's age is His gender is
1 Pre-pubescent 1 Male
2 Pre-sentient 2 Very male
3 Acts pre-pubescent 3 Almost male
4 Probably old-ish, but you can't tell for all that Bill Hartnell make-up 4 Probably male
5 Ageing hippy 5 Gary Levy
6 Very crinkly 6 Guess
Build Spots
1 Short and fat 1 None
2 Looks like a Dalek 2 Some, all natural colours
3 Short and fat and looks like a Dalek 3 Lots, and glow in the dark
4 Neanderthal 4 Dark side of the moon
5 Looks like Erato 5 Not unlike a deep-pan pizza
6 Tall and skinny 6 No face, just yicky puss-y spots
He is dressed like He is carrying
1 Tom Baker 1 DWM
2 Tom Baker 2 DWB
3 Tom Baker 3 The Frame
4 Tom Baker 4 The Plague
5 One of the others (what others?) 5 JNT's entrails
6 Sylvester McCoy's jumper 6 His latest rejected script
His manner He wants to know
1 Wild staring eyes 1 The time
2 Wild staring four eyes 2 The place (uh oh ...)
3 Convinced he's the 16th regeneration of the Dr's cat 3 Is that The Mutants?
4 American 4 Have you got all Tom Baker's nail clippings?
5 Blue Stripe / Cyberloon 5 Have you got all the videos of every story?
6 Really interesting ... 6 Have you seen Silver Nemesis
But he's not just a Dr Who fan, in his spare time he's also He has a complete collection of
1 A Blake's 7 fan 1 Target books
2 A Trekkie 2 Sylvester McCoy videos
3 A Prisoner fan 3 Lalla Ward soft porn videos
4 A computer scientist 4 Spots
5 A train spotter 5 Tom Baker's underwear
6 A bus ticket collector 6 The Dapol toys
7 Brain cells
He has never His ambition in life is to
1 Met a girl 1 Meet a female Dr Who fan
2 Held an interesting conversation 2 Find some Clearasil
3 Missed an episode of Dr Who 3 Grow some convincing facial hair
4 (If he's really honest) enjoyed an episode of Dr Who 4 Be at a social function without mentioning Dr Who
5 Dared ask Jon Pertwee for his autography 5 Find out what a girl is
6 Realised what a prat he is 6 Grow up
His favourite Doctor is He will not go away until
1 Tom Baker 1 You give him David's address
2 Tom Baker 2 You tell him to fuck off and fill his face in
3 Well it's so difficult, I mean they were all so good, but on balance if I had to commit myself I suppose ... TOM BAKER IS GOD! 3  You tell him Bonnie Langford has been spotted in the bar
4 Tom Baker 4 The end of the universe
5 Action Man 5 His brain explodes
6 William who?
7 Colin Baker
6 You've successfully hidden and he's been talking to himself for half an hour

Messrs Gibbs and Sinclair can be reached c/o Salman Rushdie, In Fear Of Their Lives, Go Away You Bastards, God I Wish I'd Never Written The Bloody Thing, Nr Milton Keynes.

Issue four contents
Five Hundred Eyes index