Five Hundred Eyes

Ian Berriman's 1001 things more enjoyable than watching 'Time and the Rani'

1 Sweating.

2 Styling Arthur Scargill's hair.

3 Teaching mathematics.

4 "Star Begotten".

5 Talking to Stewart McLaren about existential philosophy.

6 Having your nipples pierced.

7 Watching Andrew Day trying to mime 'Lesbian Lavatory Lust'.

8 Trying to 'transport yourself to another dimension' by injecting yourself with Doctor Who Bubble Bath.

9 Trying to write down what is actually said in a speech by Paddy Ashdown.

10 Eating a pillow.

11 Limbo.

12 Being a spot of dandruff on Ian Briggs's head.

13 Editing "The Key".

14 Curling up in a foetal ball in the corner and rocking slowly backwards and forwards.

15 Swallowing.

16 Tieing Matthew Waterhouse's underpants on to your head and jumping up and down shouting "SPLOING SPLOING".

17 Being taught how to act by Jon Pertwee.

18 Pretending to be a melon.

19 Sharing a flat with Mary Whitehouse.

20 Doing an Olympic gymnastic routine in the back of a Mini Metro.

21 Sucking a razor-blade.

22 Hanging from the ceiling by two feet of piano wire.

23 Insulting a Muslim prophet.

24 Seducing Sue Pollard.

25 Farting loudly in a public place.

27 Sleeping in a wickerwork chair.

28 Having a child and calling it Sharon out of sheer spite.

29 Wondering why there is no number 26.

30 Looking for a paperclip.

31 Trying to sell the Nazis underarm deoderant.

32 Being Welsh.

33 Getting into the lotus position in the bath.

34 Arson.

35 Laughing at old Doctor Who stars who are reduced to tiny bit parts on 'Casualty'.

36 Taking an Irwin Allen series seriously.

37 Snorting Domestos.

38 Listening to a K-Tel album.

39 Monday mornings in Darlington.

40 Watching your rectum prolapse.

41 Being locked in a room for a week with all your best friends.

41 Eating boil in the bag food and wondering why it's a totally different colour and shape to the appetising repast in the pack photograph.

41 Shaving your legs with the Remington Fuzz-Away.

42 Wondering what weird fixation the typist has with the number 41.

43 Making a home-movie version of Hellraiser, using a box of cocktail sticks.

44 Rubbing shampoo in your eyes.

45 Actually playing "Doctor Who and the Planet of Monsters".

46 Reading 'The Wasp Factory' aloud to your grandmother.

47 Playing chess with an amoeba.

48 Cutting your toenails with shears.

49 Napalming Cheltenham.

50 Meeting Keith Chegwin.

51 Jumping naked onto a giant donna kebab spike.

52 Setting fire to your belly button.

53 Pretending to be surprised by 'Tales of the Unexpected'.

54 A 'Youth Programme'.

55 Drinking a pint of rancid spit.

56 Having an appendectomy carried out using a curly straw and a lot of suck. (This one is overrated - DJG)

57 Designing a new fascistic logo for a privatised industry.

58 Reading Shakespeare without the notes.

59 Bending over at a DWAS executive meeting.

to be continued ...

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